


Who She Was

by mysweetbologna



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, SO SORRY, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), au where shep has amnesia, bc she gets smooshed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2018-11-22 15:49:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11383365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysweetbologna/pseuds/mysweetbologna
Summary: Everything went to shit on Sur'kesh and now the Normandy crew isn't quite sure what their next step is. With their leader out of commission, who will lead the war against the Reapers?





	1. She's Strong

Sur’kesh was a shit show, as Shepard so gracefully deemed it between the blasts of her shotgun. Each word was punctuated by a gunshot and the suffering groan of a Cerberus trooper, though the humanity-first group continued to overwhelm them. Vega looked uneasy in the firefight, but not because of the fighting itself. The Commander Shepard she showed him had an easy laugh, told dirty jokes that made even him blush, and had a love affair with gummy candy. This Commander Shepard in battle was unrecognizable; she was a storm, so dark, so deadly, that Vega whispered a few prayers for their enemies. A little too daring, too reckless, Shepard danced around the troopers, taking them out with the most brutal of attacks while Vega and Garrus ducked behind cover, barely keeping up with her demanding pace.

With the immediate area finally cleared of enemies, Vega rummaged for ammo, taking thermal clips right out of Cerberus guns. Shepard stood at a terminal, speaking in hushed tones with Garrus, who in turn chuckled lowly at whatever she told him. Vega bit down on the backhanded comment that lingered on the tip of his tongue; it wouldn’t do any good to dwell on the ease with which the Turian replaced Vega at the commander’s side. They were here for a reason, to rescue the tiny thread of hope that Shepard promised she would deliver to Wreav.

“Vega, let’s move.” They worked their way up to the next level where Mordin and the female Krogan waited, under assault from more of Cerberus troops. Tactical cloak in place, Shepard used the advantage to quietly take out three troopers before the rest of the force noticed something was amiss. Gunfire punched at their shields, the quick even fire coming from the turret on the other side of the room.

“Whoever takes that turret out first will be taken of the duty roster for three days!” With the challenge issued, the firefight seemed less life-or-death, and more like the sims that people bet on. Vega readied a sticky grenade he lifted from a dead centurion and lobbed at the offending machine. With a glorious boom, the turret exploded into pieces, shrapnel taking out an engineer along with it. Garrus growled over the comms, clearly irritated by how quickly Vega rose to the challenge. Shepard ducked behind cover next to Garrus and gave him a pat on the arm. She poked her head out of cover and lined her rifle up with her next target with the efficiency of years of practice. Between Garrus and Shepard and their aim, it was a toss up. Both were deadly accurate and precise, forces to be reckoned with.

“No night shifts for me! You’re a saint, Lola.”

“Get to the damn terminal Shepard. I’ll cover you.” Garrus took out an agent that drifted a little too close to the elevator where Mordin waited with his charge. Shepard snuck around to the side, going invisible once more, leaving Vega and Garrus to finish off what remained of Cerberus. With another grenade and a few more of the Turian’s well-timed shots, Mordin and the Krogan were once again temporarily safe.

“Must hurry Shepard. Krogan female weak. Need to get to Normandy quickly. Almost to top level then can board ship. Hope it’s worth it.”

“Just keep her alive, Mordin. We’ll do the rest.” The elevator slowly moved upward again. Shepard turned on her heel and led them to the stairs. Before she opened the door, they reloaded their weapons, checked shields, every little thing they could do to prepare for the upcoming fight to Eve and Mordin. “Fuck them up.”

Shepard stormed through the open door, shotgun firing rapidly, taking out the legs of the enemies, leaving them down and on the ground for Vega to finish off. Garrus picked them off one by one with his rifle, shouting out his count amid the chaos of the fight even though the comms picked up his words easily. There would be no reprieve for them however; two dropships brought them more enemies, a mech among them. A flash of movement from Shepard was followed by a rocket and then the collapse of a support column.

“Shit,” Shepard cursed over the comms. From where Vega and Garrus hid, they had no sight of the commander. “The mech’s got me pinned behind some debris. What’s the situation?”

“Mech’s all that’s left, Boss. Nothing we’re throwing at it is doing any damage though. Can you get out of there?” All out of grenades, James fired his machine gun at the mech, hitting only shields. Garrus shook his head from the soldier’s side, echoing James’ sentiment.

“I can make a run for it to the elevator. We have to get Eve out of here.”

“Shepard, don’t you dare. That mech will kill you!”

“Garrus, shut up. She’s the only chance we have of getting the Krogan and Turians to help us. If she dies, so does the rest of the galaxy.”

“That’s only if you’re alive,” Vega interjected looking over the cover of a desk to see where the mech stood. He clearly saw the debris Shepard was hiding behind and the mech was closing in on her. “Garrus, she doesn’t have much time before that mech decides to fire another rocket at her.”

“Stay right where you are Nina. We’ll try to draw- Shepard!” A flash of black and blue armor dashed out from behind the cover, firing rapidly at the mech. The mech whirled around, rocket launcher aimed at Shepard as she sprinted for the elevator. Garrus heard the telltale sign of the rocket launcher coming to life and launched himself over the desk, running to Shepard. Vega followed suit, no way in hell would he let Garrus leave him behind. They weren’t fast enough to draw the mech’s attention and all they could do was shout. A rocket whistled through the air, landing at Shepard’s feet in a deafening explosion that threw all of them backward. Smoke cleared and the mech exploded, Wreav standing over its flaming pieces.  

“Shepard? Shepard!” Garrus clambered to his feet, his eyes moving over the  surrounding area. James and Wreav turned their attention away from the downed mech. The rockets left a mess of debris for them to climb over and comb through. The longer it took to find Shepard, the more worried they all grew. It’s the blue of her armor that Wreav spotted, buried under concrete and cinder blocks. Together, the three of them hauled the debris off of her. Garrus hissed at the sight of her, an open cut on her cheek, more blood pooling at the back of her head. Her chest rose and fell weakly.

“Steve! Get your ass down here and tell Chakwas to be ready! Shepard hit her head pretty hard. We need an evac now!” James shoved Garrus and Wreav out of the way, scooping Shepard up into his arms. She wasn’t allowed to die, not yet, not this early on in their lives. Shepard was meant for more than an early grave, fuck they all deserved more than that. Garrus made that strange keening sound, his head in his hands.

“I’m at the LZ, Vega. Get everyone on board now before Cerberus decides to send in more ships. Wreav released Mordin and Eve from the elevator, both in horror over Shepard’s limp body. The Krogan dragged Garrus toward the shuttle, shoving him inside the already crowded ship. Garrus’ hands fluttered frantically over Shepard’s body, unsure of what to do. The shuttle jolted when they lifted off. James hurriedly applied medi-gel to the wound on the back of her head, laying it on thick. The rest would have to wait until they could get her to the medbay on board the Normandy. Garrus clasped one of her hands in his, pressing it to his mouth while he whispered softly.

The short trip back to the Normandy felt like ten years, when it was in all actuality, less than five minutes. No one spoke on board the shuttle except for Garrus’ desperate, whispered pleas for Shepard to be alright. Dr. Chakwas met them in the shuttle bay when they landed and rushed to the open shuttle door. Mordin quickly filled her in on what was wrong, explaining what little they were able to do for her. Between James and Wreav, they were easily able to carry Shepard to the medbay before Dr. Chakwas promptly kicked everyone out. Garrus watched through the window, hand pressed against the glass.

James felt like shit, considering how the big guy must be feeling then. He was never very vocal about his feelings or his relationship with Shepard, though Vega imagined that was mostly due to his days in C-Sec. Garrus always seemed unaffected; granted they hadn’t had much time to get to know each other on more personal levels yet.

“C’mon Garrus. She’s in good hands and we need a drink.” Garrus glanced over his shoulder, eyes boring into James. The human wasn’t entirely sure what it was that Shepard saw in Garrus; he personally liked his women with curves and less points. James beckoned him to follow and strangely enough he did. As unlikely a pair as any, they settled at the bar in the air lock. James poured two glasses of tequila, dextro and levo, and took a long drink from his glass. Silence settled around them like a blanket while they sipped at their drinks.

“You know, she won’t tell me about when she was in prison.”

“There isn’t much to tell, Garrus. Lola sat in the luxury apartment of all prisons, watched vids, kicked my ass at cards, and trained,” James admitted. It wasn’t his place to tell him about the nightmares that woke her up, the days she didn’t move from the couch, almost catatonic. He definitely didn’t think it would be wise to tell the Turian how he made a fool of himself in front of Shepard, how she rejected him with that addictive wheezing laugh of hers. Thanks, but no thanks, she’d told him. He thought that maybe it was just wrong place, wrong time. No, she was really just involved with someone else.

“James.”

“Yeah?”

“She’s going to be fine, right?”

“Yeah Scars, she’ll be just fine. Lola is strong as hell.”

They drank until the bottles were almost empty. An hour passed before either of them made a move to leave, but it was Dr. Chakwas that set them into motion.

“I’ve done everything I can. She’s going to be fine, though she will need to rest for a while before going back out into the field. I thought that you would both want to be there when she wakes up.” Vega followed behind the doctor and Garrus, eager to see Shepard. She rested on one of the beds, IV snaking into her arm, eyes closed. Dr. Chakwas gave Garrus a pointed look, arms crossed over her chest. “I was able to fix her up without having to shave any of her hair off. I know how vain she is.”

Garrus settled at her side while James hung back a bit, letting him have some space to be near Shepard. Her eyes fluttered open when he clasped her hand again in his. James could see the flash of pain she felt from where he stood, followed by something that worried him. Shepard looked confused, eyes actively searching between her hand in Garrus’, James, and Dr. Chakwas, so much so that she pulled her hand out of Garrus’. Wasn’t it normal to be confused, to not remember everything after a head injury like that? Was there something deeper than just a head wound that Dr. Chakwas didn’t know about? She was always so thorough with her exams. Damn, he’d hit his head plenty of times, had a concussion or two, but he always remembered everything eventually. James hoped that was all it was. Shepard focused on Garrus, eyes narrowing.

“Who the fuck are you?”

James was wrong.


	2. She was Scared

Five Years Ago

 

“Hey, Lieutenant! Wait up, will ya?” Lieutenant Nina Shepard slowed to a walk, waiting for the young man to catch up to her. He walked by her side, out of breath, holding a data pad out to her. Shepard read over it once quickly before handing it back. Whatever importance he thought the files held went completely over her head; she had much bigger things to worry about. Like her upcoming shore leave on the Citadel and what exactly she was going to do for three weeks. “What you did back there, God, that was totally impressive. The way you used that soldier’s tech against him, mind blown.”

“Does this conversation have a purpose…?” Shepard’s scarred eyebrow rose and she watched as the young man straightened, saluted her, then continued talking at the speed of light.

“Vinny Reyes, ma’am. I’m Captain Anderson’s new assistant. He wanted me to give you this, to do with it what you want, as he said. He also asked that you come see him as soon as you can. Something about calling in a debt?” Shepard smirked. Typical Anderson, butting into her life. He used to try to get her to talk to him about Akuze. When that didn’t work, he sent her articles about PTSD and its symptoms and how they affect day to day life. Anderson moved onto scheduling therapy sessions. Shepard showed up to one of them, then never returned. It seemed that showing her the reports from her superiors was his next attempt. 

“Thanks for passing on the message, Vinny Reyes. Is that all?” Vinny nodded, dashing off to whatever errand he had to perform next. Shepard figured it best to head to see Anderson as soon as possible. She’d rather get whatever it was that he would have her do over with. With her ICT training completed nearly a year ago, Shepard was itching to get a posting, to see some action where someone wasn’t observing, scoring her. After quickly scrolling through her missed messages on her omni tool (deleting all of them that didn’t interest her), Nina returned to her small room to clean up and change out of her armor and into the more comfortable Alliance fatigues. 

The mirror over her desk caught her attention, drawing her in. That same old scar still cut through her eyebrow, her nose still a little crooked from being broken one too many times, her freckled face a little too sharp. The face she wore was the face of a predator, one that stalked and killed, one that didn’t hesitate to make the tough decisions. Shepard finger combed her auburn hair into submission, fixing it into the tight bun she always wore it in. Having wasted enough time studying herself, Nina quickly made her way to Anderson’s office, ignoring calls from other Alliance soldiers as she walked passed them. 

Anderson sat hunched over the terminal at his desk, typing away furiously and muttering under his breath. Hearing Shepard knock at the door, he looked up, beckoning her inside. Nina saluted him, standing at attention until Anderson waved her down. There was a strange feeling in the air that left Nina nervous.

“Sit, Lieutenant.”

“Sir.” Shepard eased into the chair closest to her, arms crossed over her chest. They sat quietly while Anderson finished whatever it was that he was working on, turning away from the terminal with a relieved sigh. 

“Heard you got into a little scuffle the other day.”

“You called me here to talk about a disagreement, Sir?”

“When my best soldier breaks the nose of another one of my best, you’d best bet we’d have a conversation about it. What were you thinking?” 

“I disagreed with the decision he made, he didn’t like that I disagreed. We attempted to discuss it before he started hurling insults at me.” Anderson sighed, drawing a hand over his face before pinning Shepard under his fierce gaze. “I’m not going to stand by while someone insults me, SIr.”

“I’m not asking you to do that, Shepard. But I do ask that you maintain a certain level of decorum around your peers. Understood?” Nina nodded, lips pressed together firmly, showing no sign of her discontent. “Maybe next time don’t break his nose though? It’s a bitch filling out the paperwork.

“Now, Shepard, I really brought you here because I need a favor and you owe me.” He held up a hand to stop her from interrupting. “I’ve received a new posting aboard a ship looking into a few slave rings out in the Terminus system. It’s a six month detail at the least. Admiral Hackett gave me permission to choose my crew. I want you, Shepard. I need a commanding officer who knows what they’re doing.”

“I’m honored, Sir. But are you positive you want me?”

“Why do you doubt yourself, Lieutenant?” Anderson clasped his hands together, forming a steeple upon which he rested his chin. Shepard looked down at the floor, feeling a little shame at the question. Every day she put on the face of Lieutenant Nina Shepard, survivor of Akuze, survivor of Mindoir. Cool, collected, calculating. Why did her guilt decide to rear its ugly head now, of all times? She was so practiced at keeping it at bay, not letting it interfere with her training and work. 

“I don’t doubt my capability on the field, Sir. I’m the best damned N7 in the Alliance, I know my way around the field.” Shepard let loose a short sigh before meeting Anderson’s gaze again. His face softened, a small amount of understanding coming to him. Since the day he picked her up on Mindoir, Anderson always knew what she was trying to say without the words having come out of her mouth. 

“You don’t have a damn thing to worry about, Shepard. I want you because I know it won’t be about revenge, about race. You’re made of stronger stuff, girl, no matter what you seem to think. I won’t let you fail.” Shepard smiled, the anxiety she felt dissipating under the relief of his words. “Did I mention it comes with a promotion? Commander Shepard has a nice ring to it.”

“When do we leave?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a small update before I go on vacation for a week (so sorry I couldn't get some more in there!!) it's going to alternate chapters between past to present until the timelines meet up; that's the plan anyway.


	3. She Perserveres

“What do you mean she doesn’t remember anything?” Hackett looked about ready to throw a fit, the holographic version of himself closing his hands into tight fists. James and Joker were the unlucky ones that had to inform Hackett about Shepard’s memory loss. It was the first of many vid calls they had to make. 

“Dr. Chakwas is working with her, but from her medical reports, Shepard is suffering from severe memory loss after Sur’kesh. She remembers everything up until Eden Prime, and then after that it’s just blank.” James glanced uneasily at Joker, who happened to be looking everywhere but at Hackett. As the two highest ranking Alliance soldiers on the ship, they now decided what step the crew would take next. It felt like an invasion of Shepard’s space, taking vid calls, standing at the CIC, giving orders. “Dr. Chakwas doesn’t expect her to be back in action anytime soon.” 

Hackett sighed, looking away from James and Joker. It was a low blow and James knew it, but he wasn’t going to lie and get all their hopes up. Who was to say that Shepard would even want to step back into her role once she was cleared physically for battle? He doubted she would have any recollection of the last three years come back to her that quickly. Joker excused himself from the vid call, leaving James to finish. 

“As soon as she’s able I’ll have her call you, Sir. I know things look a lot more grim now, but I know she can pull through this.”

“Let’s hope she does, or else this fight just got even longer. Hackett out.” Hackett’s holographic form disappeared, allowing James to sit in the uncomfortable silence that remained. He wasn’t fit to lead yet, not after what happened the last time he led a team. James still felt the heavy mantle of that guilt, still wore it like a shroud and he would for the rest of his days, numbered that they were. Jumping into Shepard’s role was just asking for it and he didn’t want to be responsible for the deaths of even more of his friends. 

Only a select few were allowed into Shepard’s cabin where she hid herself away from the uncomfortable watching eyes of the Normandy crew: Joker, Dr. Chakwas, and James Vega. The rest of the crew, besides the ground team, was ignorant to Shepard’s memory loss; they only knew that she had been seriously injured and now recovered. James did his best to avoid the probing questions of the crew, resisted satisfying them with false platitudes. This was one thing he couldn’t lie about. 

Garrus waited for him by the elevator looking worse for wear. James scrunched his nose up; the scent of booze clouded around the Turian and James wondered if he had showered in the last two weeks since Shepard was injured. 

“Scars, you reek. Go take a shower.” 

“Not until I talk to Shepard.”

“That’s not the best idea, Garrus. She’s having a tough time of it right now and you being there isn’t going to help, especially if you make those puppy dog eyes at her the whole time.” 

“I- what? I’m not going to say or do anything. I just need to know that she’s okay. I’m not- I won’t tell her anything, I swear.” Garrus pleaded with him, the underlying subvocals betraying him. As selfish as James wanted to be, he couldn’t keep Garrus away from Shepard any longer. If he was in Garrus’s position, he would be half mad by now. 

“Shower and be at her cabin in twenty minutes. I can’t guarantee that she’ll see you, but we’ll try, Scars, okay?” Garrus bobbed his head in acknowledgment, hurrying off to the showers. James called after him, “Change your clothes Scars!”

Shepard sat curled up on the small couch in her cabin, still wearing the sweat pants and sleeveless shirt she had worn the day before. Her hair was clean though, still stringy and wet from the shower. James found it difficult to see her this way; after guarding her cell for six months and getting to know the woman, watching her sit there like a statue was disturbing.

“You’ve got a visitor today, Commander.” James leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. Shepard didn’t bother to look in his direction, merely stared at the wall in front of her. All of their meetings started out this way; he would greet her, she would say nothing in response, and then after several minutes of uncomfortable silence, Shepard started asking questions. James had provided her with all the mission reports up until she right before she was spaced, and soon he would have to tell her about Cerberus. The thought of that made him squirm.

“Is it someone I know?”  _ Is it someone she remembers _ **_,_ ** is what she really meant.

“Someone you know, but not until after Eden Prime, Commander.” James hoped that this wasn’t a terrible idea about to unfurl. Garrus finally wore him down, and at the time, James was too tired to continue fighting with the Turian. He just prayed that seeing Garrus wouldn’t cause Shepard anymore distress. “He’ll be here soon.” 

“Then let’s go over the mission report for Ilos and the Citadel.” They spent the next several minutes going back and forth. Shepard would ask about tiny details, things that he had failed to pick up on while reading them himself. She focused largely on her team, relearning who they were, their specialities, if they worked well together. The facts for everything else were all there; she was after all, a model soldier then.

Almost twenty minutes later, a knock on the cabin door interrupted them. Shepard’s collected mask slipped. She chewed on her bottom lip, finally breaking her eyes away from the wall, focused intently on the door. James waited for her signal; the only way Garrus was going to enter was with her approval. At the slight nod of her head, James strode over to the door, opening it. Garrus paced back and forth impatiently, looking a little less worse than he had twenty minutes prior.

“Come on in, Garrus. She’s ready for you.” Garrus passed through the door, freezing at the sight of Shepard immobile on the couch. Not even a mandible twitch betrayed any of his feelings. The pair stared each other down, waiting for someone to break. An eternity later, Shepard’s gaze moves to James. 

“You may leave, James. I’d like to speak to Garrus privately.” 

“Commander-”

“Go.” James didn’t like the way the order felt, as if she didn’t need him anymore. Of course, Shepard didn’t really truly need anyone’s help. He liked to think though that he was a necessary fixture in this new environment, but apparently she thought differently. 

“Yes, Ma’am.” 

~~

Garrus hated the way his name sounded in her mouth. There was nothing there that hinted at their relationship, that she knew him better than anyone else. It was stiff and cold and formal, just like when his father called him to talk. He didn’t know what to say to her now that he stood in front of her. All the words were gone, and what ones he could scramble to remember sounded hollow and selfish.

“Please sit. It’s uncomfortable enough in here without you standing over me.” That spark of humor still lingered, even if it was hidden behind the old Shepard’s sense of professionalism. Garrus sat down on the edge of her bed like he had several times before, hands clasped together, waiting. “Garrus Vakarian, C-Sec Officer, joined my crew in 2183 during the hunt for Saren Arterius. Yet, here you are still, almost three years later. I don’t have much on you except for what I wrote in my mission reports on the Normandy SR-1.” She paused for a few moments before speaking again, changing the direction of the conversation.

“What has Vega told you?”

“That the last thing you remember is the beacon on Eden Prime.” The irony didn’t escape him. That damned beacon was the at the beginning of all of this mess. It led to the Geth, which led to the Collectors, and now the Reapers and Cerberus. It was easier to blame all of that for her loss of memory than it was for him to accept that it was terrible timing. At least it took his mind off of blaming himself.

“James is trying to help by bringing me my old mission reports, and it does to an extent. It’s difficult to read about the things I’ve done and not be able to remember them at all. It feels like I just touched that beacon a few days ago. But Dr. Chakwas tells me that it’s 2185 and that we’re trying to stop these Reapers and… Garrus?”

“Ni- Commander?”

“Do you blame yourself? For what happened to me?” Shepard fixed him with those piercing green eyes of hers, demanding honesty from Garrus. She had always had a way of cutting through the bullshit when she wanted to; there was little time for games and jokes now.

“Yes. I should have been by your side. I always was before.”

“Why do you blame yourself? James told me what happened and it wasn’t your fault at all. I was reckless and shouldn’t have left you two behind.”

“I should have followed you, Shepard.” His mandibles fluttered against his jaw as he thought through his next words carefully. “I told you three years ago that I would always have your back and I didn’t this time. I could have done something to stop this. You could remember everything if I had just upheld that promise.” 

That answer seemed to satisfy the question, though Shepard looked displeased, her lips pursed tightly together. Garrus watched her, counted the dusting of freckles across her nose and cheeks, admired the curve of muscle in her arms and shoulders. He wondered if he would ever get Shepard back, if he would be able to feel the softness of her skin under his talons, hear the soft snores when she fell asleep reading beside him. 

“Were we friends?”

Garrus nodded, unable to truly tell her what they were, because he still wasn’t sure himself.

“I’d still like to be friends. It’ll make all of this a lot easier I think. Plus it will give James a little bit more time to himself so he’ll stop ogling me.” A ghost of a smile played at her mouth and he had helped put it there. Even though it broke his heart to accept only her friendship, Garrus would take what he could get.

“Friends it is.”


	4. She was Lonely

Fourteen Years Ago

 

The Citadel never slept and that was something Nina was never going to get used to any time soon. She missed the quiet rustling of the fields on Mindoir, the stars that dotted the sky, but most of all, the easy life she had with her parents. Everything was crowded on the Citadel; restaurants, streets, housing. Since the day Anderson plucked her off of Mindoir and brought her here, she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep. That was two years ago.

There were very few places that offered Nina the peace and quiet she desired and she sat at the top of one of them, her legs dangling over the edge of the apartment building’s roof. It happened to be her favorite view of the Citadel. From where Nina sat, she could see the whole Presidium tower, a faint light twinkling at the top.

Anderson would probably kill her if he knew that she was sitting on the rooftop. He let her have the run of the Citadel with the promise that she kept out of trouble, which she did. Most of the time Anderson was gone though, so Nina could have gotten away with quite a bit. However, he had promised something in return: a spot on his crew when on a ship if she joined the Alliance. She would still have to work for it, but if she put in the time, Nina would be working with him.

Nina tucked her shoulder length auburn hair behind her ears, wishing she could feel the wind on her face again. She brought her omni-tool to life, scrolling through her archived messages. Almost all of them were from Anderson, letting her know where he was, when he was coming back. There were a few from attempts at making friends, but she had stopped talking to them. The time at the top flipped over to midnight and a small program initiated itself. Confetti exploded across the screen of her omni-tool, the tune of happy birthday playing quietly. Eighteen at last.

Once the Alliance offices opened, Nina was going to fill out the paperwork and enlist. She had hoped that Anderson could be there with her, just so she wouldn’t have to go alone. But he was on Earth and would be for the next month. By the time he arrived back at the Citadel, Nina would be in her second week of basic training.

She pulled a small package from her backpack, a soft pink box with the logo of a close-by bakery printed on the sides. Inside was a single chocolate cupcake with blue frosting. With a heavy sigh, Nina removed the cupcake wrapping and took a huge bite out of it. Blue frosting smeared all over her mouth, but she didn’t care. There was no one there to laugh at her or with her, or to share the cupcake with. The cupcake didn’t taste quite like the cake her mother used to make, but it was as close as she could get to the real thing.

The clock on her omni-tool read after two in the morning by the time Nina climbed off of the rooftop ledge and back to safety. The offices would open in six hours and she wanted to be there right when they opened. It would be the beginning of the rest of her life, Nina told herself. Hopefully it would have a better ending.

~~

Nina signed the last of the paperwork with a small flourish. Her signature looked shaky compared to the Alliance officer’s just under hers. The officer, a young man a few years older than her offered his hand. She gripped it firmly, shaking it quickly. The whole enlistment process had taken little time at all: a quick physical, a short aptitude test, and then paperwork. Credits were deposited into her account before Nina even walked out the door.

Once she was outside, her orders for basic training safely folded in an envelope, Nina decided it was time to call Anderson. A quiet alcove off to the side of the Alliance offices would be perfect, just in case. Anderson answered quickly, which was no surprise. Every time she called he was right there, as if waiting for her.

“Nina, glad to hear from you. How are you?”

“Doing just fine.” She made a buzzing sound with her lips. “Hey look, there’s something I need to tell you.” That seemed to capture his attention.

“Are you hurt? Trouble? I can catch the next ship back if you need me to. It’ll be a few hours before I could be there-”

“What? No, no I’m fine.” Nina held her envelope up so that he could see the Alliance logo printed on it. “I enlisted today. Thought you should know so you don’t worry when you get back and I’m not here.”

“Nina, I didn’t think you really wanted to join.” She could tell that he was truly surprised by her action, and that made her smile.

“You made me a promise Anderson, and I plan to cash in on it.” Anderson laughed at that. He no longer looked worried or surprised, instead almost proud.

“I did, you’re right. Look, I can still come back and we can go get you some more practice at the shooting range.”

“Stay there, Anderson, it’s fine. Besides, I’m sure I’ll see you during my training at some point.”

“Yeah-” Something dragged Anderson’s attention away for a moment. “Look, Nina, I’ve got to go, but call me before you ship out okay? Let me know where you’re heading. Stay strong.” Anderson disappeared from her screen without waiting for her answer. She was going to work the hardest she could, become the best, even if that meant breaking herself down and rebuilding again. There was no doubt in her mind that she would be on his ship one day.


	5. She's Capable

Garrus itched to get off of the Normandy, even if it was just for a quick detour for Hackett. Traynor received word that an old military installation on Tuchanka was taken control of by Cerberus and passed the message on to James. It felt strange to be under Vega’s command instead of Shepard’s; while she passed her physical with ease, the memory loss was still a potential risk when it came to fieldwork and they just didn’t have the time for anything to go wrong. 

Ever since Garrus returned to the crew deck after talking to Shepard a few days ago, Liara had not stopped asking about her, which annoyed him to no end. Part of him didn’t fully trust her, being the Shadow Broker and all. However, he reluctantly answered her questions, telling her just enough to satisfy her. She still didn’t know about the memory loss though, or at least, if she did she was pretending not to. Garrus never was sure what she knew and how she knew things.

“Scars.” James’ stupid nickname dragged Garrus back into the present and he finished buckling on his heavy armor. He still wasn’t quite used to the way it settled on his body; the armor had been a gift from Shepard after she picked him up on Menae. That seemed like a lifetime away after the events of Sur’kesh. The blue of the armor was most definitely chosen to match his colony markings, a conscious decision made by his lover. 

“You ready to go? Steve’s ready in the shuttle for us.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just… yeah, I’m ready.” Garrus checked his rifle one more time before turning toward the shuttle with James and Liara. James clapped him on the back, an understanding smile on his face. The faint sound of the elevator doors stopped them in their tracks. 

Shepard was a sight to behold in her scratched up N7 armor as she strode into the hangar, demanding all their attention. The furious look on her face terrified Garrus but also ignited something else inside him. Her blood red hair was pulled back in a severe bun that he hadn’t seen since they took down Sovereign. She stalked across the hangar and stopped short right in front of James, her arms crossed over her chest. Garrus’s heart swelled at the intimidating figure she struck, an overwhelming sense of longing crushing him while he waited in silence for her to speak. 

James played the part of being calm and collected, but Garrus could tell from the way his jaw clenched that he was unnerved by Shepard’s sudden appearance. At her full height, Shepard stood only two inches shorter than James and seeing them matched against each other had all of them ready for whatever fight might go down. Liara just stood there stunned, frozen in her tracks. 

“Commander Shepard, what can I do for you?”

“I’m going with you.” James watched her for half a minute before bursting into laughter. 

“You’re loco if you think you’re coming along with us. Doc says you aren’t cleared for duty.” 

“I don’t give a shit. This is my ship, my command, and I will lead this mission.” 

“Look, Lola, I’d like to, but I have orders.”

Shepard jabbed a finger at his chest, pushing him a step back. 

“You’ve been hiding me away in my cabin, Vega, and I’m tired of being kept a secret. Have you even told the crew about me?” Shepard pushed him again but James didn’t move an inch that time, as if he expected the physical force. 

“Shepard, stop. We did it for your own good.”

“No, you didn’t. You should have let me resume duty days ago according to Dr. Chakwas!” Garrus’s gaze shifted to James. He hoped that that wasn’t true, that James hadn’t been lying to them. The human man shift uncomfortable underneath Shepard’s blazing fury, Liara looking on with even more confusion than before.

“What is she talking about, James,” Liara asked, finally speaking up. Her soft voice did little to lessen the tension in the room. “What aren’t you telling us?”

“Shepard has severe memory loss from what happened on Sur’kesh. We’ve been trying to help recover her memories, but haven’t had any luck. Dr. Chakwas… she cleared Shepard a week ago to resume command of the Normandy.”

“So you lied to all of us? Lied to Anderson yesterday?” Liara sounded almost as furious as Shepard. She moved over to Shepard’s side, standing next to her, arms crossed just like the Spectre’s. 

“I was just trying to make the best decision for all of us!” Shepard pursed her lips together in an effort to keep silent. It took all Garrus had to not speak up on her behalf, but this was her fight, not his. “We still haven’t gone over anything since after Sovereign and-”

“Garrus gave me the files. I know all about Cerberus, about everything that happened since then. I might not remember it, but I know every decision I’ve made. You do not get to dictate what I do anymore.” James glanced at Garrus, a hint of betrayal the only emotion on his face. Garrus shrugged, taking up a position next to Shepard. So unless you want me to tell Anderson and Hackett about this little act of yours, y ou will give me my guns and we will go stop those Cerberus bastards.”

Shepard stepped back from James and held her hand out expectantly. Without so much as a second thought, James led her over to the gun lockers and unlocked them. Shepard’s various guns sat there waiting for her, clean and ready for use. Once loaded up, she turned back to the group, Garrus smiling at her as best a Turian could. She faltered for only half a second, but it was enough for him. It gave him hope that maybe things would end up alright. 

“Let’s go kick some Cerberus ass.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

“And don’t you dare baby me out there.” She was starting to sound like the Shepard he knew. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so so sorry for the long delay as well as the short chapter!! I'm going to have a lot of time this week to write more and hopefully give y'all more regular updates!!!


	6. She was Paranoid

Eleven Years Ago

The nightmares never seemed to leave her alone for long. Now a seasoned soldier of three years, Nina had other terrible things to keep her thrashing in her sleep. None were quite so horrifying as the devastation of her colony, but the cyclical nature of her parents and comrades faces appearing in her dreams made the dark circles under her eyes a permanent fixture. The appropriate thing to do would see a therapist, take an extended shore leave, maybe even retire in a few more years. But Nina would maybe do one of those things, if she had the time.

Shore leave was within sight; after what would hopefully be a quick and routine trip to a colony, Nina would have a whole month off for total relaxation. Anderson invited her to his apartment to visit, stating that he would have two weeks to spend with her once she arrived. They both knew that he would be called to duty during that, but it was a nice thought that Nina would be able to spend time with the man she considered her foster father. Since her enlistment the pair hadn’t seen much of each other, once right after she finished with basic training, and three times since then. Nina and her squad were always the first to volunteer for missions.

Any more thoughts of shore leave needed to wait. Nina and her unit were on a ship to a small colony to ‘investigate.’ The colony was still in its early colonization efforts when the pioneer team went missing. Best case scenario, the comms failed and they would hang around for a quick repair. Worst case, the whole team was missing. All of Nina’s squad hoped for a best case; they were all desperate for shore leave.

“LZ in sight. Beginning approach.” Nina closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. _Only a few more days, only a few more days. Make it through this and you can finally go to that spa on the Presidium._

“What do you think we’ll find when we get there?” Nina cracked an eye open, finding her squadmate Stuart watching her. Out of all of her squad, Stuart was the one she liked the least. He was too friendly, too nice, and he never spent time with any of them outside of their missions. None of them really knew anything about the man (not that Nina really cared if she did).

“I imagine we’ll figure that out when we land.”

“Man, I’m hoping it’s something easy and fast. I- well I have plans.”

“We all do, Stuart.” Nina opened her other eye and began checking her armor and gun while they continued to descend through space.

“No, I know. But, this is big.” Stuart heaved a huge sigh. “I’m going to ask my boyfriend to marry me.” He spoke in hushed tones, and for a moment Nina didn’t understand. Realization hit her though and she grinned at the man.

“Wow, Stuart. That’s- that’s amazing!” He smiled back at her, the relief evident in the way his body relaxed and the way his forehead no longer had so many worry lines.

“Thanks Shepard, I-” The ship landed with an unceremonious thud that shook them all. Nina shrugged, rising from her seat. Maybe Stuart wasn’t so bad after all. Nina understood the tension of keeping secrets, of not talking about yourself. There would be time to talk later.

Their captain, a stocky woman with very little to say, led them off the ship where they all got their first real look at the planet. It was arid and dusty and a little too warm for Nina’s taste. She only half listened as she stood side by side with her comrades, assault rifle in a resting position in her hands. In totality, there were fifty marines there to investigate the colony, some of them green and straight of training, others with more rank like Nina herself. Orders were given and Nina set out with her squad to look around the comm tower an hour’s walk south. An uneasy knot settled heavily like a stone in Nina’s stomach. She didn’t like the idea of going to the comm tower first; something about it made her uncomfortable. Nina wasn’t going to say anything though, instead smothering that feeling and focusing on walking.

When they arrived, everything was spookily silent. There wasn’t a soul there, however the power was online. Some investigating around the tower turned up no answers. Stuart, a former engineer he informed Nina, looked over the comms to check their functionality and also came up with nothing. The tower looked as if it had just been deserted. Their captain radioed the second unit, informing them of what they found. New orders were issued, and they made their way back north past the landing zone to the colony.

By the time they arrived and started to settle in, the sun hung low over the edge of the horizon. Setting up camp turned out to be easier than usual with the empty prefabs. A larger building housed enough bunks for the marines to sleep in shifts. Nina volunteered to take first watch and stood guard near the edge of the campsite. Every ten feet or so, another marine stood guard, surrounding the entire colony. Close enough to wave, far enough to not have to talk.

Something unsettling tugged at the back of Nina’s mind, keeping her tense and ready for action. She disclosed her concerns with another marine during the walk back from the comm tower, who only somewhat successfully talked her down. There wasn’t anything dangerous on the planet scans. It was possible that the colonists had just up and left. Nina started to relax, lowering her gun to her side. The planet was quite beautiful in the evening hours, with the pink hazy sky and sunset over the cliffs. It wasn’t so different from the sunsets over Mindoir.

Nina’s omnitool pinged with the arrival of a new message: Anderson. He was called back to Earth and wouldn’t be back for an undetermined amount of time. With a sigh of frustration, Nina closed the message and kicked at the ground with the toe of her boot. It was difficult to blame Anderson for being busy; she wasn’t exactly available either. When she was finally on a ship with him, they wouldn’t have to worry anymore. They both knew how capable she was, her record showed that. But part of Nina knew that Anderson still worried about her, still felt responsible. And part of her worried about him too.

The ground trembled slightly beneath Nina’s feet, enough to knock her off balance. She caught herself and looked over to her her left where a marine looked at the ground with concern.

“You felt that too, right,” they called out to her, scratching their head.

“Hard to miss.” The ground shook again, with more force this time. Nina opened up a comm to her captain to warn her, but she didn’t get the chance to do anything more. What burst from the ground would haunt her dreams forever. The creature, whatever it was, towered over them, acid dripping from it’s vortex-like mouth. Two giant pincers slammed into the ground, breaking the ground underneath them. “RUN!”

Nina dashed for the campsite, sprinting faster than she ever imagined she could. The creature roared in protest, spitting acid in the direction of the camp. It splattered against her right side, knocking Nina to the ground. The pain was agonizing as the acid ate away and ruined her skin. Marines ran around in the midst of the chaos, firing their weapons at the monster. Bullets didn’t make any impact against the tough skin of the creature, who in turn lashed out with one of its claws and swept several marines out of its path. Nina groaned as she rose to her feet, the physical trauma slowing her down. She had no desire to die here.

Another tremor shook the ground and a second smaller creature joined the first, gobbling up another small group of marines. Nina raced further into the camp, only to be thrown back again when a third creature reared its ugly head on the opposite side of the camp. In a matter of minutes, half of the unit lay decimated. There was no question what happened to the colonists.

“Make- landing zone- don’t engage- repeat- zone.” An emergency message played through her comm, cutting out in the midst of the creatures’ screeching and debauchery. Nina turned and started to limp back in the direction of the landing zone. Soldiers that remained started to sprint to where the ship had dropped them off only hours before. The creatures, aware of the soldiers’ movement, continued to pick them off. Nina darted from building to building until she ran out in the open. She watched while Stuart was completely enveloped in acidic spit and… dissolved. Her comrades were distractions for the acid-spitting beasts as the rescue ship lowered itself to the ground. Nina surged ahead, her gait even more unsteady than before. Between the screaming of her fellow marines and the crumbling of the ground, Nina felt deaf to everything else.

With the landing zone and ship within reach, Nina couldn’t help but feel the irony of the situation, of wanting shore leave to come sooner, of finally learning something about Stuart. As hands tugged her burned and aching body into the ship, Nina worried that she wouldn’t be able to see Anderson after all. There wouldn’t be time to talk later, after all.

“She’s it, get this ship in the air!” Nina floated into unconsciousness, into a nightmare less horrifying than the one she was living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jeez lord almighty it has been almost two months I'm so sorry!!! I've been caught up in reading other fics and playing mass effect and ultimately not being productive but HEY here we are now with a new chapter <3


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